It is hard to distill this into a single experience with a work of art, so I’ll choose a book, a painting, a movie, and a song.
A book that deeply challenged me, or at least left me feeling less alone, was David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest, after graduating from UCLA’s School of Theater, Film & Television, and a painful but necessary breakup. I took it upon myself to expand my intellectual framework to literature. I was so deeply insecure being simply an actor, and I wanted people to know that I had goals and dreams beyond showing up, memorizing lines, and hitting a party. Equipped with some toxic masculinity and the desire to power through my human experience, I figured I would pick up the great tomes of literature written by white men.
Cue rimshot.
I tackled some large books that I probably still can’t fully understand or interpret. Still, the experience of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest made me feel like I wasn’t the only one disturbed by the cacophony of misdirections, striving, and empty noise we’re increasingly and constantly inundated with. In Infinite Jest, I found an American boy similar to me who could contextualize the coming intensity and dogged pursuit of something that will remain cyclical and elusive. Wallace played with the form, integrated references to classics, and highlighted the absurdity of it all. While I read, I wrote. I stayed up too late, quit drinking, and filled my gullet with similar mainstream toxins that Wallace imbibed. I would eat donuts from the gas station, smoke cigarettes, and drink iced coffees with Almond Joy creamer till the wee hours of the morning. I’d run long distances on this diet, chasing something I wasn’t totally sure of, but I did it anyway. Maybe to match the high-velocity impact of Jest, or to fly like Icarus. In the end, I was left depressed and heartbroken. While Wallace changed my world with this book, I came to recognize that most of my heroes met a similar fate to his. Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kurt Cobain, Vincent Van Gogh…
Speaking of Van Gogh, seeing his paintings in the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam shifted my perspective once again. The surge of feeling and intention in his work struck me profoundly. The complexity and expressive nature of his strokes all work together to evoke the beautiful, interweaving nature of life. The blooming and breathing mandala that engulfs us all. The awe-inspiring nature of his work shifted my perspective and encapsulates my growing belief that every stroke comes together to create our own masterpiece.
Speaking of masterpieces, when Do the Right Thing, written & directed by Spike Lee, first hit me, I was beside myself. There’s a funny story about Spike and me. When I was in elementary school, there was a series of youth biography books. Being a little white kid in a suburb riddled with neo-nazi ideology and the Klan not too far off, doing a book report on Spike Lee was a huge rebellious moment for me. I had no fucking clue about the power of his work until later, but when it hit me, it hit me like a freight train. I can’t recall when and where I first saw it, but if and when I ever make a movie, I know Spike’s artistry will provide huge inspiration for visual storytelling — shout-out to Ernest Dickerson! When Public Enemy’s rapid-fire, rebel anthem “Fight the Power” blares over the warm and vibrant colors of NYC, with the lovely Rosie Perez setting the stage, I think I got a heart-on and a hard-on simultaneously. The power of cinema lies in works that sometimes show us the power of place, culture, and diverse experiences. I may not be a person of color, but when I saw Do the Right Thing, I recognized the beauty, complexity, and pain of our differences. Spike graciously shared his talent with us and invited us into a world that should be examined, reflected upon, and changed. Spike continues to share work that challenges us, challenges me, and has given great opportunities for other people of color and those with perceived differences to share their stories and struggles with greater poignancy.
Thank you, Mr. Lee. You were indeed robbed.
Last but not least, I’d like to talk about the song “Forgot About Dre” by Dr. Dre, featuring Eminem. Ebony and Ivory for a new generation? Ha. I don’t know… As silly as it is, the song integrated these two worlds in a way that was rebellious and progressive. With Eminem, I saw another white boy from a trailer park who could find his own voice and success through all the bullshit. Through Dr. Dre, I was introduced to his insane body of work, which deeply introduced me to the world of Southern California hip hop and hip hop in general. It felt like lightning in a bottle. Sometimes I’ll just put that song on repeat and end up with a tight jaw and neck pain. It’s the best for snarling, laughing, and bopping.
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